Skip to content

Archive for

letter for bug

pregnant_belly_3_benjamin_earwicker_20253To my unborn child

We call you bug. In the beginning it was a bit of a joke in case I got sick and people asked what was wrong with me I could say, I have a tummy bug. You were the bug in my tummy, pretty clever I thought.

And boy did I get sick! I will be reminding you of this your whole life, the “do you know what I went through to bring you in to this world” speech. Your presence has been making itself felt every moment of every day since around 6 weeks of conception. I have to be honest, it hasn’t always been easy and I haven’t loved being pregnant. In the beginning I had to feel the guilt of not being head over heels in love with you from the moment you came in to existence. I was so sick for so long. I couldn’t even connect to you through those early days.

But now as the time of our first meeting draws near, your daddy and I are beside ourselves with excitement and anticipation. What will you look like? Who will you take after? Will you like us? How on earth will I survive the process of getting you here?!

I haven’t always been the maternal type. I don’t coo or go clucky over my girlfriend’s babies and I didn’t count the days until I was married and could start a family, I wasn’t even sure I wanted children until a couple of years ago. The only kids I’ve ever really liked are the ones I’m related to by blood, and even then my patience has always worn thin.

But as each day passes and I feel you move and grow inside me, a love I’ve never known begins to glow in my heart. I would already do anything to protect you. I am already totally in love with you.

There will be days when I cry because it’s hard and different to the life I knew before, but I will never regret the changes I’ve had to make because you came along. There will be days when I yell and get mad because I’m frustrated that I can’t control every facet of my life anymore, but I will never be angry that you brought about the turmoil. There will be days when I complain about the journey it took us to get you here, but I will never let you believe that you weren’t worth every moment. There will be days when I’m scared, but I will never let you feel like I’m not here to stand up and fight for you.

You will be surrounded by love from the moment you enter this world and you will never have to worry about who will protect you if I’m not there by your side.

You have an amazing father. He is kind and smart and patient and he has loved you and been your soldier from the moment you were 2 little red lines on a white stick.

Your grandparents are funny and gentle and wise. They will teach you more than I ever could about grace, humility, sensibility and truth. They’ve been besotted with you since we uttered the words, expecting.

Your Jummy is crazy, but she will love you, she will love you, she will love you. She’s been waiting for you.

You have the best aunties and uncles. They are diverse and will teach you all about the world. They will let you play in the mud when I’m trying to keep you neat and tidy and they will let you stay up passed bedtime when they babysit you. They will teach you balance.

As for me, I will always try to be the mother you deserve. I will always be grateful that you chose me even though I wasn’t sure I could do it in the beginning. I will never forget what it’s been like to carry you inside me and feel you come to life.

For you my sweetheart, my child, my baby, my bug… the world.

Love mummy

winds of change

changeToday begins my last week of work before I start 12 months of maternity leave. Not being due until October that gives me a month to get everything finalised for baby Carson’s arrival. Given that I haven’t worked a full week in the office since returning in May because most days are still a struggle for me with illness and pain I have been counting down to these final days of long commutes to and from work.

Work coming to an end also means paydays coming to an end and that’s a strange feeling. Here come 12 months without a regular pay packet. Seeing my final wage deposit hit the bank last week was bitter sweet. While I am excited about being able to take time to rest and prepare for baby, and then the excitement of having baby and getting a year to get to know each other, I am going to be totally dependent on my husband and our savings.

Hubby and I are planners and we’ve been preparing for this moment for a couple of years, so unless he happens to lose his job unexpectedly or some injury or financial tragedy befalls us, we’ll be secure and comfortable for the year I am “unemployed”. There’s even enough set aside to take a few little holidays and get our new family’s feet in the sand.

My boss asked me this morning how I’m going to handle letting go of everything next week and we both agree it will be easy physically, but mentally it will be hard for me to “log off” from work and trust that the wheels won’t fall off without me around.

This year has been a year of huge change for me. Letting go of the choke hold I’ve had on my life for the last 33 years has been a struggle most days and even now as the birth experience approaches I am trying to think of ways I can control and plan out the process while every mother on the planet knows how impossible it is to predict. And don’t even get me started on how unpredictable children can be, goodbye certainty and reason for the next 18 or so years!

In my tunnel vision of pregnancy I can still see that most of my girlfriends are going through their own changes and struggles and we’ve all had big things happening this year. It’s like you hit 30 and suddenly believe you have to change your life and grow up. The last of my single school friends is getting married in October,  my sister is running her own business, 3 of my girlfriends are pregnant and all due this year and my close girlfriends at work are all considering their future and where their careers will take them in the next 12 months.

With all this change I find myself wondering, where will we all be this time next year? Will our friendships survive all these big changes or will we be torn apart by our conflicting priorities? Of course I will have my other pregnant girlfriends to bond with over baby spit but what about my workmates  who will be forging new paths and building new careers? Will the changes we make in our lives end up being a wedge between us? How do we meld sleepless nights because of high fevers and sleepless nights because of product launch parties?

I want to stay connected to my old life. One day I even want to reclaim most of it. But in my year off from work will I lose touch with the people I want to share it with? Buried under nappies and Bonds onesies, will this year off make me a year too late?


I got such good feedback from my article The Secret, that I’ve decided to share more about the lessons I’ve learnt and applied to change my life.

what you think about, you bring aboutali quote
Write this on a piece of paper and stick it above your desk at work, on your fridge or beside your bed so you never forget. I think this is the most powerful lesson I can pass on. Mum always taught us, like attracts like. The idea is that what you put out in to the world, you receive back. We’ve all heard about karma and the power of attraction works in the same way. You put out bad energy,  you get bad energy back, you put out good energy, you get good energy back. How many times have you left the house after “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” and your whole day follows suit? Nothing seems to go right for you, you get stuck in traffic, your boss picks at every small mistake in your work, your computer freezes 5 minutes before your important presentation is due and it goes on like that all day. Then there are other days when you leave the house feeling positive and happy and your entire day reflects that feeling, the bus arrives right as you get to the stop and there are plenty of seats, everyone at the office praises the good work you’ve been doing and every task you take on seems to be solved effortlessly. The power of attraction is constantly working throughout your day, whether you believe in it or not.

Now, you can apply that concept to anything in your life. Health, wealth, marriage, friendship, work… Your life’s possibilities are limitless. I know for alot of people this is hard to believe, “sure, like I can have anything I want just by thinking about it”. Well, you need to invest a little more than wishful thinking, but yes! You can.

For a moment, think about the one thing in your life that has been causing you the most stress lately? How does it feel when you think about it? Does it make you feel powerless, hopeless, anxious, scared? Every time you manifest these feelings you are sending frequencies out in to the universe which attract more of those kinds of feelings. Now, think about the situation again but this time, imagine the problem has been solved, that you don’t have to worry about it anymore. How do you feel?  Free, happy, joyful, proud, grateful? How much more positive do you feel after just practising for a moment? Imagine living every day that way.

Try it today. Go out in to the world in a positive state of mind and try not to let anything change that focus. If you stub your toe on your way out the door, take a breath and get back to your calm and positive state. Sometimes it helps to think about something that makes you happy, maybe your family pet or a funny movie you love to watch. Now go out in to the world projecting that feeling. It might take a few days to get the hang of it, give yourself time to retrain your thinking. Find the positive in situations that would normally upset you. If you miss the bus, trust there will be another one shortly and somehow it will get you where you’re going faster and more comfortably. If you lose a $5 note, know that somewhere along the way you will get a discount on an item you need, or someone will give you something that you would normally have to pay for. Know with absolute certainty that the situation in your life causing you the most grief is going to sort itself out, it might not be the outcome you expect, but it will all make sense and you will be better off in the end.

Excitement, joy, gratitude, love… imagine if you could feel that way every day? When you celebrate and embrace the positive feelings in your life, you’ll attract more of those good feelings.

Whatever you’re thinking and feeling today is creating your future. You can start right now to feel happy, to feel healthy, to feel love all around you. The power of attraction will rearrange your life to bring those things to you, all it takes is a shift in your awareness.

Sceptical? Feel free to keep thinking and feeling the way you always have but as Albert Enstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. YOU have to be willing to make a change in the way you’re thinking. What’s the worst that can happen, you spend a few days feeling really positive about your life… What a waste of time.

Be open to the abundance of the universe!

If you’re having trouble making peace with a situation and would like some guidance on how to apply The Secret I’d love to hear from you (even the sceptics!). Send me a message through Facebook or leave your comments here.

facebook fail

Image courtesy of Google

Image courtesy of Google

You’re busted, face it. You told your best friend you were sick and couldn’t meet up on the weekend only to have another friend tag you out at the bar looking anything but sorry for yourself. Caught well and truly red handed in your own lie.

I’ve learnt alot about honesty in my life and I have realised that lies always catch up with you and the truth will always come back to bite you in the butt.

We all have our reasons for telling lies. When I was younger I spun my own fair share of pretty big yarns only to be found out and bullied out of my circle of friends for the crime. I suppose looking back I deserved it, I really told some whoppers!

I was lucky to learn my lesson early on and although like everyone I have been caught in a little white lie from time to time, my friends and colleagues know that I’m a very trustworthy person and I tend to speak the truth, regardless of the consequences and ramifications.

For this reason I deplore being lied to, cheated and messed around. I have no patience for people who want to dance around the truth and be dishonest, even if it’s to save my feelings. You don’t want to meet up on the weekend? Guess what, I’m a big girl, I can take it. Be honest. It’s going to be even more cruel when you get caught out and have to make up another lie to cover up your night out at the club when you were supposed to be in bed with the worst migraine of your life.

Sometimes there’s a fine line between saving someone’s feelings and telling them a bold faced lie. Most of us don’t want to intentionally hurt people so when our workmate asks if our friend would be interested in going on a date with them and we know said friend can’t stand them, we smile and say she’s just really not looking for a relationship right now. Much nicer than telling them what she really said after meeting them at your birthday drinks right?

In the end it comes down to respect and treating people how you’d like to be treated. At the very least, don’t plaster yourself all over social media when the very reason you lied was to hide the fact that you were going out! Remember, once you break trust with someone, it can be very hard to earn it back.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” Friedrich Nietzsche

no escape from knowing

Like a lot of other third trimester women out there, as I approach my final weeks of pregnancy (thank God) I become more and more aware of the way this all has to end. Yep, to complete this pregnancy and have my baby, I have to push it out of my vagina… my vagina!! And that’s if everything goes well! I am utterly terrified!

To help calm my nerves I have been researching… and researching… and researching… Until I started reading about it, I really had no idea what actual child birth consisted of. I thought I just arrived at hospital, lay on the bed and, with a few hours of good old fashioned pain, pushed out a healthy baby and that’s the end of it.

Like most things in life, until it’s happening to you, you don’t actually realise half of what’s involved, and not a quarter of what could go wrong.

Image courtesy of Google

Image courtesy of Google

All my reading and stressing and obsessing about this over the last few of weeks has made me wonder, for all the leaps and bounds we’ve made in technology and getting information to people’s fingertips, have we created a generation of over thinkers and worriers? Would I be half as worried about what awaits me at the end of this pregnancy if I hadn’t read about a million other women’s terrible experiences? Should I have just gone in to the process blissfully unaware? What is it about us that makes us take the bad reviews as gospel, when there are actually more positive stories out there to be heard? Why do the horror stories always stick?

With pregnancy, like most other experiences in life, we have been programmed through television shows and movies about what to expect. You also become public property once your pregnancy is showing, with every woman who has ever given birth or even known someone to give birth, telling you all the things that went wrong and how awful it was for them (you also wouldn’t believe how many strangers want to touch your belly… seriously).

I have spoken to my girlfriends, and anyone who will listen, about my pregnancy. It’s been hard for me, 7 months of feeling sick, uncomfortable and scared. It’s not the wonderful experience I expected and for me that’s been devastating. I am resentful of my girlfriends and colleagues who have had symptom free pregnancies and have loved every minute. For me it’s been a mostly miserable experience, with the only reprieve being moments I realise I am going to have a baby with my husband who I love and we are going to be a family.  So I understand people wanting to share their scary stories and I try to be patient and not take them to heart. But sometimes I wish I had disappeared from the world as soon as that little stick came back positive, turned off the TV and disconnected the internet, cancelled my phone contract and never told a soul I was expecting. Maybe then I would realise there is nothing to be scared of and like millions of other women every day around the globe, I am probably going to have a healthy baby and a complication free child birth. Maybe somehow, even through the sickness, I could have kept that excitement I felt the day those two little lines appeared.

In this day and age when everything you could ever want to know is readily available, have we lost our innocence and appreciation for  mystery? With everything that can go wrong in your life, why spend every day scared of the things that are about as likely to happen as being struck by lightning, bitten by a shark and winning lotto on the same day?

When it comes to knowing, and fearing, it seems these days there is no escape.


%d bloggers like this: