To my unborn child
We call you bug. In the beginning it was a bit of a joke in case I got sick and people asked what was wrong with me I could say, I have a tummy bug. You were the bug in my tummy, pretty clever I thought.
And boy did I get sick! I will be reminding you of this your whole life, the “do you know what I went through to bring you in to this world” speech. Your presence has been making itself felt every moment of every day since around 6 weeks of conception. I have to be honest, it hasn’t always been easy and I haven’t loved being pregnant. In the beginning I had to feel the guilt of not being head over heels in love with you from the moment you came in to existence. I was so sick for so long. I couldn’t even connect to you through those early days.
But now as the time of our first meeting draws near, your daddy and I are beside ourselves with excitement and anticipation. What will you look like? Who will you take after? Will you like us? How on earth will I survive the process of getting you here?!
I haven’t always been the maternal type. I don’t coo or go clucky over my girlfriend’s babies and I didn’t count the days until I was married and could start a family, I wasn’t even sure I wanted children until a couple of years ago. The only kids I’ve ever really liked are the ones I’m related to by blood, and even then my patience has always worn thin.
But as each day passes and I feel you move and grow inside me, a love I’ve never known begins to glow in my heart. I would already do anything to protect you. I am already totally in love with you.
There will be days when I cry because it’s hard and different to the life I knew before, but I will never regret the changes I’ve had to make because you came along. There will be days when I yell and get mad because I’m frustrated that I can’t control every facet of my life anymore, but I will never be angry that you brought about the turmoil. There will be days when I complain about the journey it took us to get you here, but I will never let you believe that you weren’t worth every moment. There will be days when I’m scared, but I will never let you feel like I’m not here to stand up and fight for you.
You will be surrounded by love from the moment you enter this world and you will never have to worry about who will protect you if I’m not there by your side.
You have an amazing father. He is kind and smart and patient and he has loved you and been your soldier from the moment you were 2 little red lines on a white stick.
Your grandparents are funny and gentle and wise. They will teach you more than I ever could about grace, humility, sensibility and truth. They’ve been besotted with you since we uttered the words, expecting.
Your Jummy is crazy, but she will love you, she will love you, she will love you. She’s been waiting for you.
You have the best aunties and uncles. They are diverse and will teach you all about the world. They will let you play in the mud when I’m trying to keep you neat and tidy and they will let you stay up passed bedtime when they babysit you. They will teach you balance.
As for me, I will always try to be the mother you deserve. I will always be grateful that you chose me even though I wasn’t sure I could do it in the beginning. I will never forget what it’s been like to carry you inside me and feel you come to life.
For you my sweetheart, my child, my baby, my bug… the world.