I found myself in tears today (not uncommon for a woman who’s 8 months pregnant) considering the momentous change I am about to experience in my life. Could it be that the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train barrelling towards me?
I’ve waited so long for these last few weeks of my pregnancy and have been looking forward to the prospect of having my body back and gaining some sort of control back over my physical life. Apart from the challenge of breast feeding my body will be mine again and I will never once take for granted what a gift that will be. Although I feel privileged to have grown and carried my child inside me there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t longed to be holding it in my arms and have it out of my body. I just haven’t felt as though I was built for child bearing. If I were a machine you’d paid for to do the job you would have returned me for the poor performance!
In my rush to get to this point I almost forgot about the actual consequences of getting what I’ve been waiting for. Gone will be the days of grabbing my keys and quickly ducking up to the shops, leaving the house with nothing but my phone and lip balm in a cute Burberry clutch, having a late night out knowing I can sleep the day away tomorrow with no distractions. But most of all, I am going to have to share the most precious thing in my life, my husband.
It hit me today like a ton of bricks. After having him all to myself for almost 10 years, there’s going to be someone new in my husband’s life who’s more important than me. There’s going to be someone else he comes home to and is excited to see at the end of the day, someone else that he’s head over heels in love with. It occurred to me that out of our love for each other, we have created something that will change our relationship forever.
We’ve promised to keep each other as our number one, to remember that before Bug there was us and that our family will only be as strong as our love and connection. But is there any way to avoid your children becoming your everything and your partner falling in to second place? How do we keep what we have with this new little person in between us needing so much of our time and attention?
With every tick of the clock and every day that passes I know it’s one less moment I get to share with him before life as we know it disappears forever. Standing in the beautiful nursery we’ve created for our baby my only hope is that what all the parents out there tell me is true, that it’s all worth it and that yes it changes everything, but in the best ways possible. That I will not only see a husband beside me but the father of my child and that this new love will supersede anything we shared before.
So babe, in case we get a little lost in the haze of the next few weeks, I just want you to know… You are my everything. I love you in so many ways and for so many reasons. Thank you for every day we’ve shared so far and for all the days to come. You will always be my first and greatest love.