let them come
I’ve just survived another relatively sleepless night and finally managed to put the baby down for the first time since quarter to six this morning, it’s now 9am. I might be lucky and get 20 or so minutes to use the bathroom, have some breakfast and maybe a quick shower, but it won’t be long before he’s grunting and groaning because he’s ready for another feed or just wants to be held.
It’s easy when he’s quiet like this to sit and watch him and forget the endless nights. He’s so peaceful and beautiful that it makes my heart melt. But then I’ll notice his eyebrow furrow or his lip curl and I know that in a few minutes he’ll be awake again. My short break is over, I’m being called back up to bat. Even in these few peaceful moments, I’m always on duty. And I didn’t quite make it to the shower!
Everyone tells me, enjoy this time with him, they are only little for such a short amount of time, he’ll be all grown up before you know it… What is it about people that makes us think we will regret not enjoying or appreciating difficult moments in our lives? How many times has someone told you to “just try and enjoy the experience” or “I know it’s hard but it’s really only such a short time in your life and it will be over before you know it”. I heard it all through my pregnancy and ever since he was born.
Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t get to enjoy my pregnancy but am I sorry that it’s over and I didn’t have longer to appreciate it… hell no! Am I sorry I wished every day for it to be over and that I got my wish 3 weeks before my due date, saving me another 21 days of pain and sickness… no way!
Watching him now and wanting him to be a little older made me wonder, will there come a day when I look back on these weeks and wish I could have them again? What am I missing out on by wishing away this time?
I take photos and videos of him every day because I realise how quickly he’s changing and growing. I can already look back at pictures of him and see the difference in his face and how big he’s getting with each day that passes. I’m sure in 20 years I’ll look back on the same photos and with my grown son no longer depending on me for his every need there will be a part of me as a mum that will wish for this time again and who will regret not enjoying every second.
Right now though, all I can think is bring it on. Send me the days when my child isn’t only happy when he’s attached to me like a baby koala. Bring on the days when he will be able to smile at me and acknowledge me for all the attention and time he demands.
To those days when I get to share my life with him rather than give up every semblance of it just to ensure his survival I say, let them come!