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Posts tagged ‘advice’

hands off!

It was one of those blustery, rainy days in Sydney this morning and I was lucky to get the last seat on the bus on my way to work. It was in the middle of the very back seat. The windows were fogged up and after the next 2 stops the isle was packed with passengers. I had to take a few deep breaths to ward off the impending panic attack and claustrophobia.

About 30 minutes in to my journey I noticed the male passenger beside me was sitting uncomfortably close. It’s true, the bus was packed, but there was plenty of room on the back seat and I had intentionally made sure there was no contact with the men on either side of me when I sat down. Yet, despite numerous shuffles and rearrangements, Mr Friendly was once again sitting right against me.

It’s not the first time a male passenger has tried to cop a feel on the bus. A few years ago a young man had me pinned me against the window of the bus while he groped around my legs and up my side. He then got off at my stop and started following me home. Thank goodness I ran in to one of my husband’s friends who walked me to my front door.

After both experiences I was left humiliated and angry. Humiliated that any strange man would feel the right to treat me this way and angry that I didn’t make a scene and say something at the intrusion.

I’m not a beautiful woman, I think I am attractive enough to blend in to the crowd. Not so pretty or ugly that I attract attention, just pleasant enough to forget. So it always surprises me when these things happen. “Why me?” I think. There are much prettier and skinnier girls. Plain Jane syndrome is supposed to come with benefits!

Sitting there this morning with this strange man’s hand against me I couldn’t help but think, why is it still the woman left feeling guilty after this sort of violation? With all the education around our right to speak up and demand respect, are we still programmed to believe somehow we deserve it? With all the perks of feminism and rights in our hands, are we now just “empowered” victims?

It’s a frightening statistic but 1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime. Someone you know has suffered sexual assault at some point in their lives.

I know women close to me who have been raped, physically and verbally assaulted and beaten by their partners or other men in their lives. None have been reported to police and none of the men in question have ever spent one night in prison to pay for it. In fact, over 50% of sexual assaults go unreported every year. Most of these women know their attacker but will never tell.

Mr Friendly on the bus was small fries but it’s all part of the same pie. As long as men feel entitled to treat women as objects that is what we will remain. It’s no longer about empowering women but educating and holding the men in our society accountable, ALL the men, even the rich entitled ones.

Enough teaching women how to take care of themselves on the dark walk home, it’s time to teach men to KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF and stay on their side of the damn seat!

“Here’s a hot tip… Stop telling girls how to dress and start teaching boys NOT TO F*!KING RAPE!”


the birthday letter

I read this in The Sydney Morning Herald yesterday and wanted desperately to share it with you. It is a letter written from a mum to her 3 children on her 40th birthday. There’s some good advice here for all of us!

Hello my very beloved offspring,

Someday when you read this, I will be even more ancient than I am right now. Someday I hope very much to be a crotchety old lady who says wildly inappropriate things and embarrasses you by grabbing your father’s backside in the retirement community where we live. But for now, I’m only 40.

Everyone says turning 40 is a really big deal but I have not found that to be so. But upon this occasion (and just in case I drop dead tomorrow), I thought I’d tell you what my perspective on life is at this particular moment. Then when you turn 40 and start wondering “Why don’t I feel like a real grown-up yet?” you can read this and feel better. Because at least you will realise that your immaturity is in part hereditary. Sorry about that.

Relax, we’re all faking it.
This is kind of a big deal, you guys. Because your whole life — there will always be someone. Someone who you look at and think, did I miss something? How come that person gets to be like that and I have to be like this? Sometimes it’s not just a person; sometimes it’s a whole group of people. I wasted a lot of time thinking that at any moment, those folks would figure out that I was a big fraud and then they would shun me. It’s actually a thing. It’s called Impostor Syndrome and lots of people experience it at different points in their lives. So guess what? Turns out it’s totally normal to feel like you’re faking it. Just do it with good manners and you’ll be fine.

Know what makes you happy.
Here’s what makes me happy: the three of you. What the tops of your heads smell like. What it sounds like when you laugh so hard you might pee yourself. What you’re like right now, what you were, and all the things you’re going to be. Your father — all parts. The rest of our family. Friends who are kind and who don’t get mad at me if I forget to call them back right away. Having a big, silly dog. Also Korean barbecue, aged Gouda, and pretty much any kind of dumpling. I know what makes me happy and as a result, I know what’s important to me. It’s called having priorities and thanks to you, I finally have some.

Don’t invite poison into your life.
Did you ever read something and you were like “holy crap — THAT IS A MOTHERFUNKING TRUTH BOMB”? Terry Pratchett is my favorite writer and he wrote that: “poison goes where poison’s welcome.” You know that’s right. And guess what else? Drama goes where drama’s welcome. Pain goes where pain’s welcome. Betrayal goes where betrayal’s welcome. All these things are going to find you anyway, so for the love of GOD, don’t make them welcome. But you know what else? This thought has a bossy older sister and that sister says “light and love go where they’re welcome, too. SO MAKE THEM WELCOME.” Even when you feel like you don’t deserve them, you really do. And so does everyone else.

Simmer the hell down.
I know that you probably think I’m an unrepentant shrieker. But here’s a little nugget for your bucket: I have never regretted a single time that I kept my mouth shut, got my crazy under control, and didn’t lose my schmidt. But I regret every single time I ever yelled at someone (including you guys). I regret every time I ever unloaded on someone because “they need to hear how I REALLY feel.” I regret saying things that made me feel better for about five seconds until I realised they could never be unsaid. I find myself at stop lights, cringing at things I said 20 years ago. The words that haunt me are not the angry ones people have said to me, you guys. Let’s just leave it at that.

The universe doesn’t give you something without taking something away.
There are a million different ways to say this. Isaac Newton said, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” Bridget Jones said, “When one part of your life starts going OK, another falls spectacularly to pieces.” And everyone’s grandfather ever said, “Nothing comes for free.” It’s all true. You get married and have kids? You will get so much, but don’t kid yourself — you will have given stuff up along the way. You want a promotion more than anything and you get it. Then suddenly your whole life is about your job. You will do anything to be with that one person or get that one thing or achieve that next gold star… But getting what you want comes with a price (and you usually won’t know what it is till long after the fact), so just be prepared for that.

Everything that sucks in your life is there to teach you a lesson.
Take your time, but make sure you try and figure out what that lesson is, because it’s always good for you. So when you’re lying prone on the floor, surrounded by dirty underpants and Pringles crumbs, maybe stop sobbing “Why is this happening to me?” long enough to ask yourself “Why is this happening to me?”

Value resiliency and not just brokenness.
There was a time when I was young where I felt damaged and I pretty much only identified with people I thought were as messed up as I was. Because they would understand and not judge me. But at some point, I decided to focus on people who are trying to deal with the junk in their trunk and are trying to make things better. Sometimes it takes a really long to time to do that, I think. And notice, I didn’t say succeed — I said try. That’s the thing about going through shit in your life. You have to try and wade through it because the alternative is just to stand there, neck-deep in feces. There was a time when I could stand by the people who wouldn’t even try to fight their way out, but I can’t now. Because I don’t want to get sucked in. Now I have priorities. Besides, it’s really not your job to fix people. It’s your job to love them while they fix themselves.

Understand the power of an honest apology.
Oh my sweet baby condor, I have screwed up so many times. But I try to admit when I’m wrong and I try to make amends for my mistakes. The thing is, though — you have to really mean it. A disingenuous apology is a very bad thing. It’s a lie, wrapped in bacon. But not the good bacon. The kind of bacon they serve in England, that never gets crispy. It’s a lie wrapped in flaccid, probably contagious bacon. It’s bad.

Gratitude is actually about respect.
I’m not just talking about saying thank you (though saying please and thank you is incredibly important). What I’m talking about is the more Oprah-esque kind of gratitude for the big picture stuff. If you have a family who loves you, if you’re healthy, if you have food in the fridge, a job, health insurance, clean water to drink — be genuinely grateful for that stuff. Be grateful because you are no more entitled to those things than any other human on the planet. And there are millions of good, hard-working people in this world who are desperate for all those things. And it’s profoundly disrespectful TO THEM to take what you have for granted and throw it around like it doesn’t mean anything.

When you’re feeling your worst, when things seem hopeless, there is one thing that will make it better.
Here’s the deal: there will always be people who really need help and there will always be something you can do. So pull your head out of your haunches, get your hands dirty and do some good for someone else. This will remind you of who you are and will help repair some of the worm-holes in your soul that come from seeing and feeling stuff.

You can always start over tomorrow.
You’re going to make mistakes. You may find there are stretches of your life when you don’t like who you’ve become. You may find yourself listening to the Talking Heads and wondering, “HOW DID I GET HERE?” You may forget to go to the gym for about three years. But if you wake up tomorrow and try hard enough to wade through it, you will eventually come out on the other side.

And, God willing, I’ll be there waiting for you on the verandah at the retirement community. With one hand holding a refreshing cocktail and with the other, squeezing your father.

Your mum

This post originally appeared on Rants from Mommyland by Julianna W. Miner


sage advice

Image courtesy of The Epicentre

Image courtesy of The Epicentre

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!! Today is my mum’s birthday and although I promised not to spoil her with materialistic gifts, I never said anything about announcing the day to the world! It kind of fits having mum part of today’s article because it’s all about advice and I have survived my entire life following the advice my mum gave me growing up (or by ignoring it and doing the total opposite!). Luv ya mummy! Have a great day!

You know from my article The Secret that I am a strong believer in using positive thinking to attain what I want in life. It’s worked well for me so far and while I still don’t have all the things I want, I believe they are coming.

I ran in to a girlfriend last week who has been unemployed for a few months and is trying desperately to find a new job. She’s had a few great interviews and is feeling pretty down about not getting anywhere with them. It’s hard to see her doing it so tough because usually she is the most vivacious and fun person you could ever want to be around (she still looks out of this world amazing and was happy to hear me whinge about my own issues for 10 minutes!) but there is an air of self doubt about her at the moment, lost in not knowing how things are going to turn out for her.

I did what friends do, I told her it was all going to work out and all she had to do was “stay positive”. It’s a mantra I believe in so strongly but as the words came out of my mouth I felt like such an idiot. Of course positive thinking can turn things around but when you are down and feel powerless to change your situation, don’t you just want to strangle everyone who tells you to “look on the bright side” and “don’t worry,  things will all work out”, all with that condescending look on their face? You know the one, that ‘you poor thing’ look. I know it took all her effort not to roll her eyes and tell me to shut up and I wouldn’t blame her if she had, I would have wanted to do the same thing!

Sometimes you just want to vent and have someone say, you know what, you’re right, that’s sucks, I’m sorry. People aren’t always asking for your advice or expecting you to help, sometimes we just need to whinge.

My constant need to jump in and offer positive affirmations when confronted with a friend in need made me wonder, when your first instinct is to dole out unsolicited advice, is it better to just shut up?

I started to think about all the times I’ve offered help to my friends when they haven’t asked for it and did some research about why people give unsolicited advice. From what I can tell from a few Google searches, people who feel the need to give this  kind of advice are ego maniacs who love the sound of their own voice and want to show you that they know better than you. Is this what my friends think of me, that I’m some uppity know it all who is trying to rub it in their faces that I know better than them? I suppose in a way I can understand the point. We’ve all had a friend who knows everything about everything and will tell you every chance they get. Is that me, am I that friend?

Over the last few days I’ve been trying a new tact.  Rather than being the know it all, I told you so friend, I’ve been sympathetic and agreeable. It’s a big step for me because usually I can’t help but feel someone telling me about a problem means I automatically have to fix it. I realised over the course of writing this article that my friends, family and colleagues aren’t my problem to solve and unless someone asks for my advice or opinion I should just be the shoulder they need to cry on (within reason). 

If all that fails and I can’t hold my tongue any longer (because I really do know better) I shall follow this simple rule:

“The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice you give to others.  If you wouldn’t follow your own advice, don’t offer it”. Harvey Mackay, MackayMitchell Envelope Co

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